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Movie Review: Invasion U.S.A. (1985)
By Samir | June 2, 2007
I knew this movie was going to be a ridiculous ode to cartoony stereotypes and Reaganism as soon as I picked it out of the $4,99 bin at Blockbuster and read the back cover. It’s so pompous, it deserves to be presented as a quote:
America wasn’t ready… but he was.
Clearly, this movie was going to have to live up to its own tag line, rather than my expectations.
Starring Chuck Norris and released in 1985, the movie demonstrates quite easily why Chuck excelled in roles where he had to play the strong silent type - he can’t act. I never thought I’d say this, but after having seen this movie, I now believe Bruce Lee was the better actor in Way of The Dragon. Wow, and Bruce couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag!
Anyway, the movie starts out with Chuck, a retired “agent”. I only say “agent” because his background is never fully elaborated, but he’s being hassled to get back in the game by the FBI to stop a Russian terrorist named Rostov.
Rostov, teaming up with a drug-dealing Latino named Nico (I see Chuck isn’t the only stereotype we’ll be encountering) collects enough money to buy a small army of mercenaries. Unbeknownst to the USA, he sends his men crashing along the beaches of Florida in an invasion which aims to sow terror into the hearts of Americans. His gang is composed of the typical boogeymen of 1980s-US Conservatism: Russians, Latinos and poor black guys.
Of course, Rostov has to halt his plan because he is a great strategist. He decides his plan can not go ahead until retired agent Chuck Norris is killed. See, you might be asking yourself why the hell the plans to invade an entire country are threatened by the existence of a retired agent who keeps to himself in the Florida Everglades. Clearly you haven’t grasped the power of Chuck Norris, it’s a force that outranks Stallone, Arnold and JCVD - combined.
So Rostov hikes out to the Everglades with his men, and firebomb’s Chuck’s hermit shack. Except Chuck jumps out at the last minute, barely escaping. Rostov thinks he’s polished off Chuck, and heads back to whatever he was doing in his plan to take over USA through terrorist attacks. BAD MOVE, bra. Chuck is now pissed off, and his ego and personal need for vengeance do the trick that his patriotism doesn’t do - It brings him back into the game.
Rostov takes the time to have his men bombard and shell various scenes of whitebread American life: Malls at Christmas, quiet neighborhoods and main streets. It’s all in attempt to breed fear in American hearts, you see! In a moralistic, heavy-handed development, the Army moves in and constitutional rights are suspended. If you’re expecting a deep, profound social commentary on totalitarian states at this point, don’t hold your breath.
Chuck arranges to be arrested in his own hotel room, and arranges to have it covered on the media so Rostov can see it on T.V. While handcuffed, he taunts Rostov on the national airwaves, turning what is a fight for American freedom into what is essentially a cock-wagging contest between Rostov and himself. Are you loving this yet?
Rostov marches his entire army to Atlanta, where Chuck is being held, with the goal of killing Chuck. Yep, right in the middle of the war. The gambit is the military equivalent of the one-at-time-single-file strategy employed by foot soldiers when attacking Ninja turtles. Rostov’s men take the military base in Atlanta, only to find NO ONE INSIDE.
“It’s a trap!” Rostov yells. As they escape, they find themselves surrounded by the US Armed Forces. Ah, that devil Chuck! The Army rains bullets and artillery on Rostov’s men, creating a maelstrom of lead and blood, while Rostov flees back inside the base in desperation - only to find CHUCK NORRIS on the inside. He should have just stayed outside. His chances of surviving 400 bullets fired in his direction were astromonically better than surviving a fight with Chuck Norris in the last ten minutes of the movie.
After a game of cat and mouse, both men end up empty handed. If you’re wondering why Chuck doesn’t just walk away at this point, it’s because it would be the logical thing to do. I mean think about it. Rostov’s men are maggot food outside, the place is surrounded by Land, Sea and Air and neither he nor Rostov have any ammo. What is Rostov going to do? Run after him?
But no - the only solution left is the cock-wagger’s solution: It all must come down to hand-to-hand combat. Unfortunately, the fight, which is what you’re waiting for the entire movie, comes down to two kicks to the chest which pushes Rostov to the edge of a window. Out of nowhere, Norris picks up an RPG and nails Rostov in the torso, sending his charred remains out the window.
THE END.
This film is underwhelming to say the least. Chuck’s acting skills could probably fit inside a thimble, small as they are. The whole movie consists of him uzi’ing terrorists and ends in quite possibly the lamest fight I’ve ever seen in a movie starring a known martial artist. Even Steven Seagal tries harder. I’m not even talking 1980s, reasonably-decent-shape Seagal, either, I’m taking 2000’s I’m-just-doing-this-because-I’m-contractually-obligated 100 lbs. overweight Seagal!
So the plot makes a transcendental request for you to suspend disbelief: asking you to allow that the U.S.A. could be taken over by a force of a few hundred. For that price, you don’t even get a good Chuck Norris fight at the end, after enduring lines like “If you come back in here, I’ll hit you with so many rights you’ll beg for a left.”
What a disgrace. -138472432 out of 10.
Topics: Misc. / Divers |
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